The Emotion of Not Being Your Baby’s Preferred Parent

We talk a lot about the difficulties of early parenthood. Between the birthing parent’s healing from the massive health event that is having a baby, to functioning on fragmented sleep, to learning the ropes of caring for a tiny human…it’s a lot. 

But here’s something we don’t talk about enough: The complicated emotional experience of that beautifully chaotic, bleary-eyed first year of parenthood and all the transitions that come with it. For birthing parents in particular, those early days are an exercise in slowly letting go.

For nine-ish months, your baby is, quite literally, a part of you. Then, little by little, they begin to function less like an extension of you and more like an independent human. This happens throughout a child’s life, of course, but it feels especially sudden (and sentimental) in the first year. 

In some ways, that transition is welcome: You get more sleep, you’re able to eat a meal with both hands (maybe even while it’s still hot!), you start to feel more like yourself again. But in other ways, it’s heartbreaking. 

We rarely talk about that experience, but now we have an incredibly relatable look at it thanks to Chloe Livingstone (@chloe.livingstone), a first-time mom who shared a vulnerable video on TikTok of herself processing the growing bond between her partner and her son. 

In the video, Livingstone cries as she folds laundry (#relatable) and expresses to her partner that she no longer feels like her baby needs her in the same way. “I’ve been my son’s ‘person’ for 11 months and just like that he’s [sic] dad has become his ‘person’,” the mom writes alongside the video. 

I don’t often find the motherhood content on social media to be relatable or nuanced or even particularly authentic. But this? This video hits home. Instead of leaning into the toxic positivity that colors so many of our cultural conversations about motherhood, this video sits right in the bittersweet reality.

The mom’s complicated emotions—of being both grateful for the bond her partner and child are building, yet heartbroken to feel like she’s no longer her baby’s “person” is very real and relatable. In those earliest days of motherhood, you are your child’s whole world, and little by little, that world of theirs expands. It’s an incredible, awe-inspiring thing to witness, but it’s also a gutting reminder of how fleeting it all is.

I assume Livingstone, who shares that she’s a stay-at-home mom in other videos, is the default parent in her home like I am in mine—and that adds a whole new dimension to this video. I’ve been in her shoes and understand how complex the emotions of watching your child need someone else can be. Livingstone seems to have a supportive, involved partner (I do also, and am well aware of how absolutely game-changing this is), but she likely carries the vast majority of the mental load (like most moms do) and is probably responsible for almost all the childcare. 

Being the default parent can be exhausting, and I’ve certainly had moments where I wish I could hand off some of the load to someone else. Yet when those opportunities present themselves, I also find myself not wanting to relinquish the space I hold in my children’s lives. Little by little, I’ve gotten better at understanding that I can’t be their whole world, and I believe Livingstone will as well. But, I’ll be honest: It wasn’t easy for me—it still isn’t some days—and I’m sure many moms out there can relate. 

The truth is, that parental preference will ebb and flow. As Parents has previously shared, it’s normal for a baby to favor one parent over the other, for a range of reasons…or for no reason at all. In many cases, a baby will prefer their primary caregiver, but sometimes they’ll seem to favor the parent they see less. I’ve seen it in my own family: Both of my children have gone through major mommy phases and major daddy phases. 

When Livingstone sobs that her baby is “never excited to see [her]”, I remember exactly what that felt like in my first year of motherhood. I’d watch my babies kick their little legs and giggle when my husband came home every day and wonder why they were never so thrilled to see me.

But it makes sense, doesn’t it? When you’re the parent who is always around, your child’s face may not light up when you walk into the room because seeing you hardly feels like a novel, exciting thing. No matter how logical that is, it can still sting. 

I’m not alone in relating to this. Many commenters share that they’ve felt exactly what this mom is feeling. “Such an emotional roller coaster this thing called ‘motherhood,’” one TikTok user writes. Another perfectly sums it up: “This happened with us. I realized that my son got me all day, tired, and stressed, and dad was the fun, rested one. It’s NOT you!”.